imthatkay

Dissociative Me: At Least We All Agree

In Funny, Random on October 10, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I have determined that I have dissociative disorder, but not in a general sense. I don’t have multiple personalities or feel disconnected from reality. Mine occurs in my inner monologue. My brain and its little voice can’t make a damn decision on who it wants to be.

Let me explain. For anyone that watches Glee!, you will be familiar with Becky, the cheerio that has Downs Syndrome, and how her inner monologue voice sounds like the Queen of England. Her explanation is that she can be whoever she wants to be in her own head, so having the brain-voice of an older British lady is quite acceptable. I get that.

But my brain-voice changes. It tends to favor an African-American grandmother or someone from the Wisconsin area. There are others, but they aren’t as prevalent as these two. I don’t know why. That’s just the way it comes off in my head. The real problem is that sometimes, my inner monologue isn’t so…inner. Sometimes, before I even realize it, I am talking out loud to myself.

Now, I talk to myself a lot, I don’t deny that at all. And I do it in front of people. People that know me well have learned to deal with this. They ignore me if they know I’m talking to myself. Sometimes I begin a conversation in my head and then try to talk about it with someone, forgetting that they did not get to follow my train of thought as I just had, so they have to remind me to start from the beginning. But now I’ve started talking out loud to myself in my brain-voices. And sometimes it even happens when I’m talking to other people! It’s like I have no control and my brain-voice(s) take over my mouth.

I don’t even notice it until I see that look when someone witness this happen and their own brain-voice is saying “W. T. F.” Sometimes a friend will comment on the way I pronounce a word when I use my weird brain-voice accent out loud. And the bad part is that I can’t even respond. How do you say, “oh, that? It’s nothing. Just one of the voices in my head,” and then just tralalalala on about your business? You don’t, because now you’re in a straight jacket. So the response I developed somehow is to just shrug it off and repeat exactly what I said in exactly the same voice and continue with my normal behavior. I’m not sure if people assume I’m making a weird joke or that I’m just weird, and I’d guess that they probably don’t know what they are thinking either after such a strange encounter. What I do know is that people stop asking what my deal is, my friends and family are used to it now, and with as many appearances as they are making I should probably just go ahead and name these brain-voices that are taking over…

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  1. It is okay to put your inner child in time out.

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