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How -Not- to Pick Up Chicks, A Guide to Failure

In Funny, Opinion, Opinion/Personal, Random on December 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Bars and clubs are the face-to-face social platform for meeting someone.  Everybody gets dressed to impress, and by this I mean the girls ho-up in an attempt to be the sole focus of every person in the bar they are at.  Inhibitions are low due to alcohol consumption, everybody wants to just have a good time.  I enjoy getting dressed up, going out, dancing, all that jazz, but there’s a line that should not be crossed, ladies.  Shirts should be worn as shirts, not dresses.  Nobody wants to see your commando going ass hanging out the bottom of a baby tee when you aren’t even bending over.  Then they get trashed and sloppy and end up out of half the outfit they walked in wearing.

But everybody knows how girls do when they go out.

Amy Winehouse did a song about it:

Jenna Marbles did a video about it (specifically about white girls, but it could very well apply to any and all):

It’s kind of just an expected thing for girls to be hot messes in the club.  It’s annoying, yes, but there’s something else that seems to be slipping through the cracks of scrutiny lately, and that is guys in the club.  Any adult female can attest to the fact that, on a broad basis, guys trying to pick up girls in the club are generally just  a hot mess in all aspects of life anyways.  They are obviously adults, but are still trying to score quickies from girls who are making foggy minded decisions and still have no idea how to properly engage in communication or truly pick up a woman.  Add in a little loud bass beats, a dash of strobe lights, and a heap of alcohol and this questionable adult turns into a disasterous mess.  I can say without hesitation that I would never see a drunk man in a bar and think to myself, “Oh, there is definitely promise in that one.”So for the entertainment of females everywhere, and what would be useful knowledge to males but I doubt any male that needs to read this would actually take the time to, I have compiled a useful how-to for all the ways to bomb a pick up that I’ve either been subjected to or been able to witness at local clubs in my town.

1. Pre-Bar Preparations

Bathe in a vat of cologne before going out, or do the exact opposite and avoid all things that will rid you of body odor.

2. The Introduction

Not necessary.  You don’t need to know her name to take her pants off (if she’s even wearing any to begin with).  She is *hopefully* too drunk to notice.  If she does notice, she’s too sober to actually hold any interest for you.  Besides, if she’s sober enough to notice, that means she’ll more than likely give you a fake name anyways.

3.  Small Talk

Keep it simple, but flashy.  Don’t use too many words.  This club is loud and distracting, so just make sure to hit on the key points:

  • Manager / Owner of the very bar you are in.  Don’t worry that it’s not true.  Just tell her you can get drinks for free and make sure she isn’t watching when you actually have to pay.
  • Rich / Currently holding large quantities of cash on your person.  Play it down, like it’s not a big deal.  Be prepared to have a large roll of small bills to try to quickly flash out of your pocket in case she asks for proof.  Also be prepared that this will not be enough proof for her unless she is completely trashed, so have a conversation changer on hand.
  • Exaggerate your member.  She needs to know early on that you think you are well endowed.  And you need to commit all the way, the larger and more outrageous the measurement you give, the better.

It is extremely important that you keep the small talk focused on yourself. Do not under any circumstances ask her questions about her.

4. Compliments

After you have the small talk out of the way, give her a compliment.  These should also be short and sweet and consist of an expletive, occasionally a part of her anatomy, or things that you would like to do to her. (Ex. “You’re fucking hot” or “I’d like to ______ your _______.”  You have the freedom to fill in the blanks with whatever nasty words you can come up with.)

5.  Gifts

Offer to buy her a drink.*  Make sure you ask her what she’s having, but repeat it back to her incorrectly.  Get distracted on your way to the bar, possibly by another potential option for the night, and end up taking at least 15 minutes to return to her.  Return empty-handed and allow her to go back to the bar to buy her own drink.

*This is only possible if you have not already used the “Manager / Owner” play.  Using them both generally does not work out well.

6. Have Fun

It’s time to show her that you are a fun and sexy man with your dance moves.  Groping is a plus.

For The Pros

For the more advanced failed pick up artist, steps 1-4 can be skipped.  Go directly to Step 5.   Eye contact should never happen and this should always be executed as a surprise attack in which you rapidly and unexpectedly dry hump her for the 2 seconds it takes for her to realize it’s happening and promptly move away.  This play often results in things such as the friend circle, in which the girl’s friends will move her and encircle her so that you are no longer able to ram your crotch into her behind.

7. Be a Gentleman

Offer her a ride later to your house.  Fill her in on how much you think she enjoy things if she does come home with you.  Ignore anything she says and continue to return to the subject of her leaving the bar with you.  She needs to be extremely aware of why you have been going through all the steps you have previously been able to accomplish.

8. Self Defense / Close The Deal

These instructions are interchangeable.  If you reach this step at any point early in the first several steps, it is considered self-defense.  If you somehow make it through all the previous steps before finding it necessary to use this one, it is closing the deal.  This basically refers to the actions you must take when the girl has lost interest or the steps above have not guaranteed your hook-up, in which you retract all previous statements or actions that showed you had an interest in her.  Insult her or call her a bitch.  She will more than likely respond with anger and will be surprisingly ferocious, so be prepared to quickly move on to your next victim interest.

Congratulations, you are now a drunk bar douche that will succesfully turn every girl off.  Oh, I mean: ‘Grats, bro.  You’re totally ready to bomb with hot chicks.

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    • Thanks!
      And you’re welcome. I did enjoy your Jenna letter. I read it as if written out of the “tough love” idea, like “what the hell are you doing? You’re better than this so get off your ass” kind of way, which is what lots of people need in trying times. Her older videos are definitely the best.

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  6. […] How -Not- to Pick Up Chicks, A Guide to Failure (imthatkay.wordpress.com) […]

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