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Crosswalks, The Social Forest, & Why Nobody Trusts Squirrels

In Fiction, Funny, Random, Writing on January 23, 2013 at 10:03 pm

I’m not really sure what this writing would even be. It actually started as a ridiculous story that I made up while driving late one night and running on very little sleep. I blamed it on being slap-happy at the time, but then I kind of felt like this was a very weird little goldmine I’d created – especially since I also recently discovered that people often really think that deer only cross where there are signs. Even if you get bored with my little story here, at least skip to the bottom and see what I’ve included. This stuff makes me find myself in this horrible see-saw of being morbidly entertained while struggling to deal with the fact that I’ve lost hope in all humans. Anyways, skim through, read, whatever you like to do, my little creation on the breakdown of the social forest…

Deer properly yielding at the crosswalk

Deer crossing signs are for deer to know where to cross the road. In the same way humans have crosswalks with flashing symbols to tell them to walk or not walk, deer need a sign of where it is safe. These deer crossing signs had to be created, though, because the walk/don’t walk signs for humans didn’t make any sense to deer. The deer don’t understand what a hand or counting down numbers means. Deer see a figure of a man walking and think “that’s only two legs. That means nothing to me.” But if they see a sign with a deer happily galloping, they know it’s for them. They think “Hey, that looks just like me. This must be where I can cross!”

Deer are like the innocent civilians of the mountain wilderness world. Rabbits have the organic and whole foods market cornered, so don’t even think you’ll be able to get a toe in there. But they are friendly and don’t mind sharing, so it’s not really a big deal. Bears are big and burly and serve as the lawmakers, like a cop. Nobody can go against a bear so what they say and do rules in the woods. They try to keep everything under control, but of course, there are those that are able to sneak under the radar of the law.

Foxes are the street criminals. They are sneaky and tough and get deer gone astray caught up in their addictions. Don’t cross a fox. They are sly and quick and while that little fox might look cute, he’ll do you in without a second thought. The squirrels are the back alley dealers, offering shady jobs to deer that need quick under the table money to pay off their debt to the foxes. I can see them now, with their tiny leather jackets, little squirrel cigarette hanging out of their mouths, rolling dice with one paw hand and flipping their mini switchblades with the other. They act like they will help – you scratch his back, he’ll scratch yours kind of deals. But they rarely ever scratch and their attention is lost too quickly to keep promises. If you make a deal with a squirrel, be quick on the job and be done with it. They are tiny, but they are fierce.

And the birds, oh the birds. Why, they would make excellent media moguls. Up in their high seats, they see everything that happens. Every little thing in every little second. But they don’t care about being influential or being taken seriously, which is good because nobody does. They are too busy perching themselves righteously and fluffing their feathers while they chatter nonsense and gossip-gossip-gossip. They could be the best source of information in the world if they could focus on something aside from themselves, making noise, and shitting on those beneath them.

But the bears can’t be everywhere. They are so busy rounding up tricky foxes and shady squirrels that the deer crosswalks are rarely guarded. Sometimes, deer get so caught up that they don’t even notice that they should yield for oncoming traffic. This is why a conscientious driver should always watch their own moves in addition to the moves of others around them to prevent accidents. But also, now that we are all informed of how the forest works, should you come to a deer crosswalk and not see any deer, say a little prayer. I should hate to think that they aren’t crossing because they are being jack-knifed by a gang of angry squirrels…

And now, the true inspiration/downfall of mankind:

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