Secrets Can Kill

In Fiction, Personal, Writing on January 24, 2013 at 10:32 pm

So I had this idea of an entire writing done solely in dialogue.  I don’t know how it worked out.  I don’t know if I’ll try it again.  Either way, I worked on it and finished it and here it is. 🙂

“Can I come in?”
“Um…yeah, I guess.”
Oh, god, thank you.  Thank you, really.  I was so afraid-”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“No, yes it is!  It is, believe me. I walked here so I could think on the way and all I kept thinking was that you wouldn’t even open the door.  I just…I don’t know…I-”
“Hey, I said it’s no big deal. Don’t make it one.  I’m actually glad you showed up.”
“You are?”
“Yeah.  I mean, it’s not like we were just going to completely cut off contact-”
“That’s what I expected you to do.”
“And we can’t just not talk about it-”
“I don’t even want to think about it.”
“And we are both to blame-”
“You’re absolutely not at fault.”
“But pointing fingers isn’t going to solve anything-”
“Just point to me.  I’m thinking of installing a neon arrow above my head so it’s always pointing right at the dumb ass.”
“And now you’re just being ridiculous.”
“Is this helping me?  To assume responsibility like a real grown up?  Or is it hurting me because I an accentuating my douchebag-ery?”
“Honestly, neither.  Facts are facts.  We both wanted things from each other.  Things that we couldn’t find somewhere else.  I knew what I was getting myself into. The difference was that I had prepared myself to let go when the time came.”
“And I was just a jealous fool.  And jealous of the wrong things.”
“See, there’s 2 facts…What was that?!”
“Probably the wind.  I heard it’s supposed to turn into a storm by midnight.”
“And you walked here? Are you crazy?”
“Maybe, a little.  I just needed to see you.”
“No-see, this is what we were supposed to avoid in the first place.  No, don’t come any closer. You’re expecting things that I never promised.”
“Backing off…backing off.  Maybe cutting of contact for a while is a good idea.  I have vacation time; so do you.  We could coordinate it to be gone consecutively.  No seeing, no talking, no emails, no phone calls, no texts.  I think I need to detox myself of you.”
“Maybe you’re right.  I’m sorry. It’s already raining.  Let me call you a cab.  You shouldn’t walk home in this.”
“Can we hug it out first?  I don’t want either of us to feel like you had to kick me out.  Things will be just as awkward and unsettled after vacation time if we end it on a bad note.”
“Hugs require a lot of body contact. I vote for an energetic high five instead.”
“Okay, fine.  I’ll take what I can get.  Up high.”
“Alright, now it won’t be uncomfortable and I’m calling for a cab.”
“He gets back tomorrow, doesn’t he?”
Yes, he does.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“What kind of a question is that? Of course I’m not.  Hey! Damn it!
“It’s not a big deal.  Just call the taxi from your cell.  Where are flashlights or candles?  I’ll get it set up so you don’t even notice it’s not real electricity.”
“I have no idea where my cell even is.  And I don’t have any candles.  Or batteries for my flashlight. Damn it.  Hey, I said no touching!”
“I didn’t touch you.”
“Yes, you did.  You just grabbed my ass.”
“No, I didn’t.  I’m not even standing close enough to touch you.  I haven’t moved since we went black.  I couldn’t even find you right now.”
“I see you…”
“What was that?”
“I don’t know.”
“You didn’t say it?”
“But you heard it?”
“I…think so.”
“There it is again!  Something just brushed by me, I swear!  Oh my god, do you think someone broke in? What if someone cut my power line and it’s not just the storm?!”
“Okay, calm down over there, conspiracy theory.  You’re psyching yourself out.  Whoa!”
“What?  What was it?”
“Nothing.  I just must have bumped into the couch or something.  Whoa!”
“Oh my god.  My hair just got pulled.  This isn’t funny anymore!”
“Okay, just keep your voice low.  We need to make it to the door and just run, okay?”
“I hear you…”
“Holy shit.  I’m done.  Screw this.  I know my house better than anybody. I can make it to my own front door.  Oh god, what was that?  What was that?  Are you okay?  Where are you?!  …  Oh my god, stop touching me!”
“I feel you…”
“Oh god, please don’t come any closer.  Take whatever you want.  You can have anything, I won’t even call the cops.”
Cheaters never win…”
“No, no, no, no, NO!  PLE–”
“We can’t make it to the phone right now.  You know what to do!”
“Hey, sweetie! Surprise: I’m at the airport!  I finished with the training early and they let me bump up my flight.  I had to pay a little extra, but it’s worth it to get back to you faster.  I know you’re probably in the shower and it’s getting late.  The rain is starting to pick up, so I’m just going to call a cab.  By the time you’re done drying your hair, I’ll be home.  It’ll probably save time if you just don’t put your pj’s on when you  get out.  I love you, my dear.  I’ll see you very soon.”
Copyright ©2013
  1. That was a great post today. I really enjoyed reading it very much. Thank you for sharing it. Have a nice weekend!

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  2. I just came across this, thanks to you being FP today…and boy, that gave me the creeps…which I am suspecting was the intent. I think the idea of doing it all in dialogue form as added some suspense to it as you try to figure out what they are talking about at first and who they are…I liked it. Well done.


  3. I liked it, but the pacing was a little trying


    • Okay, I can see that. What would you have done differently or what changes do you think would make it better?


      • I would have made the conversation more natural and relaxed after the initial set up. They can also describe what they’re doing slightly, so that it doesn’t take a couple more lines for the reader to figure it out.
        Also, I think the lines the intruder says are a little cheesy and detract from the tension rather than help it. Additionally, it’s unnecessary to include the voicemail at the end, because who is playing it? It’s just included to say more concretely what you wanted to get across as the impetus for your climax – that the husband/boyfriend came home early, and for no reason, went psychotic.
        I’d have the two mains try to make small talk about something with a bit more success, have them tell a story, or at least just talk for a good paragraph or so, as it is, we don’t know enough about either of them to care.
        Hope that helps 🙂


      • I can definitely see what you mean. However, I think this boils down to a difference in opinion. I only say that because the things you didn’t like about it, I did purposefully. I didn’t want this story to be about the characters or getting to know them. I didn’t want a lot of details. I wanted it to be unclear in the beginning and eventually give enough away so that the reader can figure out that this was an affair being ended. I didn’t intend, though, for the message at the end to come across as if someone was playing it. The message was being left, which brings about the question of “what the hell just happened, then?” Part of the mystery, and all. I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy it, but I do really appreciate your input and honesty. Constructive criticism is always welcome!



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