To you,
I don’t know whether to feel relieved, sad, or guilty. Right now, I feel a little of all three. But mostly guilty. I was dreading the day, watching the calendar as it crept up. But then I got so caught up that it came and went and I hardly noticed. I didn’t even realize until just now that I had missed it. And now I battle this gang of emotions and the only thing I knew to do was this: to write it out. To write it to you.
The fact that you will never receive this letter does not hinder my writing it. It doesn’t make me feel liberated, as I wish more than anything that you could. I thought of writing to you often and just putting all the notes into a jar and saving them up until it was full and I could bring it to you, but I know I can’t. The road to you has been all but demolished, so much so that I am afraid to even try it. And besides, I know even if I did, it would not be you that I’d be finding there.
There were two things I never got to do. One you knew: to keep open communication via instant messaging that you had set up and talked with me about. I got so busy with school and friends that I forgot to search your email. I forgot to find you. One you did not know. It was a cheap painting that I had been working on of wolves. It was an advanced paint by number, if you will, and honestly it looked like shit. I felt compelled to finish it and worked fervently for several days, but then I broke. The paint had dried up, the colors weren’t matching anymore, and my shaking hands couldn’t catch the details.
For a while, I couldn’t watch a Kay Jewelers‘ commercial without crying. For a month I went to class in a fog and otherwise slept. I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t talk about you. It took years to get through a story about you without my voice breaking. And now here I sit, grieving the fact that I went through the anniversary without shedding one tear, without even realizing it was that day.
Maybe it’s a good thing. I did finally get to a point in which I could talk about you and not have to excuse myself afterward so I could dab my eyes in private. Maybe this is another step towards acceptance and a healthy moving on. But that creates another emotion: fear. I fear this process. I don’t want that to go away. I want that hurt, just a little, because it reminds me of how important you were.
I know that the pain easing does not mean I don’t care as much as I used to. I know it’s supposed to get easier with more time. But I also know that I don’t want to forget those little things that make it so painful in the first place. I don’t want to cry, but I do. Not yesterday. Not on the anniversary anymore. Not on your birthday anymore. Not on holidays anymore. And that’s when I realize that I will never forget the little things, no matter what, because all those little things were what made you so important. There are certain songs that will always remind me of you and your guitar on the front porch. There are certain movies that will always make me think of Christmas Eve and you opening your gifts and knowing exactly what they were before the paper was even off. There are certain symbols and pictures and objects that will remind me of your connections to our heritage and your tattoo. There are still those times that I can hear your voice as clear as if you were sitting next to me – and even still those times that I expect to hear that voice answer the phone. And those are the things that will never go away. And I will cry, always, because no matter how long it is, I will miss you.
So DEEP !!! I can feel you r emotion as I read it !!! You are a great writer! If you will !!! I’m so sorry to read about your pain & think this… But there is always a rainbow after the storm 🙂 Keep your head up!
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Thank you, sincerely. Since writing has always seemed to be my outlet, I had wanted to write something like this for a long time. I just couldn’t find a purpose to write it and I didn’t want it to just be scribbled out and then shoved into a notebook to be forgotten about. I’ve been working on getting through the storm and what I would actually put in a letter like this for 8 years and it felt really good to finally do it, even if I did still cry a bit in the process!
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I think it is good that you are finally talking & writting about it! It shows you are getting better with time! You can do it! And there is nothing wrong with crying! Hell, I cry a couple times a week! Most of the time, for no reason at all. I feel as though tears help clean my eyes out 🙂
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[…] arrangements and losing loved ones after I had just opened that doorway with my previous post, An Undelivered Letter – To My Loved One. Death has always been very hard for me to handle, and the thought of planning my own for my […]
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This is really beautiful and really heartbreaking. I can feel your emotion in your words – anger, sadness, regret. I hope you’ve found your peace. Sometimes it takes a long time to say the things that we need to say, and it’s almost always too late, but I hope that this has helped you.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. I really do think that writing this helped to kind of lift a weight off of me, so to say…
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Writing is an amazing source of catharsis. Just having to confront the words in your head when they spill out on to the page or screen can be an amazing agent for healing.
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So emotive and well written it made me tear up!
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Thank you 🙂
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very well written…anyone who’s lost a love will be able to relate to it… congratulations on fp!!!
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Wow, thank you! It was a surprise, for sure. I actually never figured I would have something FP!
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Very well written..you have expressed your emotions beautifully… some pains never diminish, neither do we want them too! All the best to you!
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Thank you very much!
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You are most welcome! will read more from you soon
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What an awesome and inspirational blog! Looking forward to reading more from you!
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Thanks!
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You are welcome. http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
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this is a very touching letter. you don’t forget a loved one. The memories will forever stay with you and somehow will make you smile every time you think of those memories. 🙂
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Agreed, and thank you so much for taking the time to read!
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Very heartfelt. It definitely is the little things we remember and yes time does help but there are also moments when something small happens and the memories come flooding back. Such a beautiful letter
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Thank you so much!
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Well said.
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Thank you
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I won’t tell you it gets better, because I’m not sure that it does for everyone. And, really, I’m just a random person on the internet. My opinion of your grief is too distanced, too impersonal, to be deeply relevant. I will tell you though, that even if the pain does ease for you, the joy never, ever, ever goes away. Memories of the parts that were good always outlive the darkness. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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Very insightful and very positive way to look at it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.
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Wow. Powerful emotions, powerful words. Sometimes it helps just to get it out, writing is such a therapeutic release. Wonderfully written!
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Thank you. So far, this blog has been the best therapy I’ve seen!
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Very beautifully written. Makes me want to treasure little things even more!
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It’s the little things that stick around. Inside jokes or random little tid bits of memories. Thank you for reading and commenting.
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Beautiful writing. Congrats for being Freshly Pressed: it’s well deserved.
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Goodness, thank you!
I am just overwhelmed with the amazing feedback I’ve gotten, especially since it was such a personal writing so close to my heart.
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Sigh..to good
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Thank you!
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[…] An Undelivered Letter – To My Loved One. […]
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Beautiful well-written and deeply moving …
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Thank you so much.
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Excellent article. My blog’s poetry is somewhat similar.
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Thank you.
I will be sure to check out your blog. I have a weak spot for a little poetry 🙂
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I have a file of this type of letters. I’ve called it “Written Not Sent” Ive had it since I was a new puppy in college, back before emails or IM’s or even computres, and wrote letters that I didnt have to courage to send. Most of them are something like this one. Painful.
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This was my first time doing something like this, but I had heard it was a good way to work through tough stuff. Sure enough, it really did help me out a lot. I may have to start doing things like that more often to work through things.
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I once dated a woman that wrote me several angry letters after we broke up. She held them and just keep writing them until she got the courage to send them to me much later. They were beautiful and I loved them. Even though she was made at me, the passion was wonderful. If she had been as honest with me when we were dating I think we would have been married. Passion and honesty are powerful. Keep writing.
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Well said–I could feel what you meant. Thanks for sharing.
Tom
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Thank you for reading.
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So well written, this puts the words to the emotions of so many people out there.
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Thank you very much!
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You know I felt exactly this way when my mum passed…relieved, (she was bedridden with a stroke) and then guilty…for feeling relief. With the passage of time though the pain eased. It’s good I am not alone with such feelings.
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Thank you for sharing your own emotional rollercoaster. It’s never good ot hear of people in pain, but it is an odd comfort to know that we are not alone in it. 🙂
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Thank you for sharing your own emotional rollercoaster. It’s never good ot hear of people in pain, but it is an odd comfort to know that we are not alone in it. 🙂
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You wrote what others could not admit even to themselves.This is really beautiful! 🙂
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Thank you, really!
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Wow. This is so beautiful that I read it twice. The pain of loss comes through your words (I hung on every one). I can feel the still raw emotions (even after so much time) and I think it was so brave of you to share such personal feelings. Thank you for letting us in.
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Thank you so much. I can not get over how much positive feedback I’ve received on this and it just blows my mind. Thanks again.
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Remember
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann’d:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad. C Rosetti
Hope you find this helpful, Tony
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Wow, thank you for sharing that.
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Thanks for sharing, such a moving post. In 2006 I lost my father to cancer, just this past fall I came across a card that I had for him, one that told him how much he meant to me, that I am who I am today because of his guidance and caring. I never got to give it to him… I thought I had, then I found it in a stack of things I had set aside. I sat down and cried for hours…
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I’m so sorry to hear that. I understand what you felt. I went into a really weird place when I remembered that I still hadn’t finished the dumb wolf painting. For a few days I just cried and painted – or attempted to – until my mother literally had to remove it from under me and tell me that it was okay that it wasn’t finished. I stopped trying to work on it, since it was all but useless anyway, but I still couldn’t bring myself to throw it away for a few days.
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I completely understand. ((((hugs))))
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**Very nice piece..Written from the perspective in which could’ve been either a love lost or a loved one that passed on to greener pastures..2 thumbs UP!
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Thank you. This was actually fully true and based on a loved one that unexpectedly passed away many years ago. I do see how it is somewhat blurred with the details of the full picture left out, since my intention when writing it was not as if it were to an audience but rather just to this person. I’m glad you did enjoy my writing 🙂
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[…] views – spread out across 13 countries. I jumped up to 95 follows and now have 481 likes. An Undelivered Letter – To My Loved One specifically has been shared on Facebook 3 times, one of my funny nuggets and another post about my […]
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This is really, really amazing writing. I lost my confidante a few years ago. I’ve moved on, but no matter what, you will always miss the person that you lost. You simply learn to live with that pain. Plus, I can really connect to this currently. I grandmother passed away yesterday, and for the past 24 hours, I’ve been going back what I was doing at the exact time of her passing, and wishing that somehow, I could have known at that time.
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I’m so sorry. There are no comforting words for such a recent loss.
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Very sad and touching. Not to make light of this, but I was JUST singing “Every kiss begins with Kay” over and over for about 5 min before even reading this. I was meant to read this.
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That’s really funny. My nickname with my family is Kay, hence my username and all that jazz, and so it turned into a big joke every time one of those commercials came on because “someone must have been kissing and telling” about me. 🙂
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Cute and sweet 🙂
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That was beautiful. It really touched me because I lost one of my best friends and I, too, forgot the anniversary of his death. I felt like a terrible friend although I still think about him almost every day and miss him. They say time makes it easier….I’m not sure about that though. It definitely eases the tears, but not the sorrow
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Easing the tears, but not the sorrow…that’s a really good way to put it. Thanks for reading and sharing you story.
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This is so beautiful and touching…just like love is 🙂 Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
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Thank you!
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Reblogged this on Ayodeji Lancaster's Blog and commented:
Great piece
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Touching. I felt that way sometimes ago.
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Thank you.
Have you worked through your feelings, then, to no longer feel that way? I’d love to hear how. The different ways people cope with similar things intrigues me.
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As someone who lost someone very dear a few years ago, and with an anniversary comin’ up, I can relate so much! That is a really good piece of writing, very well-expressed!
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Thank you.
People that are well known for a craft often say their motivation was to connect to other people all over the world, and that’s exactly what this post has allowed me to do. This post was therapeutic for me, got me FP, and introduced me to so many genuine people and amazing bloggers 🙂
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[…] An Undelivered Letter – To My Loved One. […]
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“…I don’t want that to go away. I want that hurt, just a little, because it reminds me of how important you were.”
I know exactly how it feels. I lost my mom and I always afraid that that hurt feeling will go away someday, ’cause I don’t want to forget her… I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I’m sorry for your loss, as well.
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Greetings. Nice writing. It was kinda eerie to read because it echoes my feelings for a friend that I lost, especially the second to last paragraph.
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It is a hard and confusing process, to handle the loss in the first place and then to handle the healing from that loss…
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
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Thank you for sharing this. It’s reminded me that i need to make more time for my family and loved ones, and i thank you for that. x
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Thank you for reading and responding. I have really felt blessed to connect with so many people that have gone through similar things and similar feelings, but this is a whole new level of a compliment. 🙂
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lovely, I can feel you….
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Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
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Most of my favorite posts are written from the heart and soul. They are filled with honesty of emotion. This post is beautiful and I hope it inspires others that think they have no outlet for their grief to try putting pain to paper. ( or computer ) Well done.
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Thank you. It really was probably the most therapeutic tihng I’ve done.
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Beautifully written! I can feel your raw emotion in your words. I hope things brighten up for you soon. 🙂 Congrats on being FP!
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Thank you so much!
Talk about brightening up: all the wonderful feedback I’ve received and all the people this had connected me to is absolutely amazing 🙂
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This must be a true writing. You couldn’t have made up all that emotion. So beautiful. I am touched. I will be following you now due to the passion you put into your words. Bravo!
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Goodness, thank you! That really means a lot. 🙂
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This made me cry a little.
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Sorry to bring the blues…but thank you for reading!
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Heartbreaking and beautiful. You put into words emotions I only wish I could.
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Thank you so much 🙂
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I have never related to something more in my entire life.
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Wow, that means a lot. Thank you for reading and commenting.
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When you can talk about a situation without crying, especially it being a heartbreak, that means you have moved on and are over the situation. I recently lost a great love of mine in December. He’s in another country. I get hurt when there are ways for us to communicate but he has no interest in communicating with me what-so-ever. We are not together and I don’t expect anything romantic nor do I expect to things to ever be how they were. But a “Hi, how are you?” Every now and then wouldn’t hurt. I do still get teary when I think of him in great depth. Moving on can be so hard. However I thank you for your story, for giving me hope and giving me strength and for reminding me that things will be okay someday soon and that the door closed on us for someone else to come into my life and make everything better 🙂
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Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate you sharing your story, as well!
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How heartbreakingly poignant. i have lost loved ones, and always think everything you’ve written, but could not have expressed it as well. one thing i do know is that while time doesn’t ease the pain of loss, it does make it more bearable. and i too do not want to stop feeling, i worry it’s akin to forgetting, and we don’t want to ever do that. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you for reading and responding.
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A sad letter but great way to express what you feel while moving on. Keep up the good work.
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Thank you
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