imthatkay

On memories, beginnings, lonliness, and no plans: This is not the end.

In Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on April 2, 2013 at 4:23 pm

I need to be painfully honest.  Not with someone else – with myself.  I’ve tried to avoid it, because even though I already know what I need to say to myself I know it is still going to feel different once it is said.  I’ve sat down handfuls of times in an attempt to write.  To write a post, to write on a story already started, to write literally anything, and I ended up staring at my computer screen for endless minutes before getting frustrated and closing it all out.  I know it’s because my head is clouded with all these unspoken things, these things that I’ve been trying desperately to un-think.  But the truth is, these things are there.  Whether I allow myself to think about it, whether I fight in an attempt to not have to face the facts, they are there and they always will be.  So here I sit, pecking away at my keyboard because I know I need to man up and do it already.

I had a plan for myself.  Originally, this plan was to go away to college to be followed the next year by the love of my life (he was a grade younger than me in high school) where we would spend all our college days together.  We would be married, have a couple of kids, and live happily ever after.  Except by the time I was accepted to college, he no longer wanted to go with me.  I remember finding out that the day I left, as my family is loading boxes into our car and driving me three and a half hours away to drop me off all alone, he didn’t see me off because he was with someone else.  I remember hearing his voice on the other end of the phone telling me that it was my fault.  If I hadn’t been such a bitch all the time, he wouldn’t have had to start using drugs and seeing other girls, but I had been a horrible girlfriend that had forced him into doing those things just to get through his day.  I remember not being able to eat for weeks.  I remember sleeping and not much else.  I remember the day I realized that I had somehow allowed him to get into my head and I had allowed myself to believe these things he said about me, things I knew not to be true.  I remember the sadness of losing this person that had been a part of my life since we were kids, that for the last couple years had been the most important person in my life.  And also the relief of knowing that I was strong enough to make myself better without him.

I made a new plan for myself, almost without even realizing it.  I met a new guy, an older guy who was holding down a job and told me all the wonderful things about myself that I hadn’t heard in…probably ever.  This guy was my salvation through college, a boost to my self-worth who doted on me and worshipped me and took on dates and never called me names.  He proposed.  We made a plan together.  After I graduated, we would marry.  He would move to me and we would start our life together.  He would finish school while I got my foot in the door for my career.  We would save up money for a house.  In a couple of years we would start trying to have our first child.  And we would live happily ever after.  But that didn’t happen either.  He leisured through school, switching majors, taking minimum hours.  He couldn’t get a job because he needed to focus on school, but school was so hard that he needed a lot of help in completing his assignments.  He felt depressed a lot, but refused help.  Instead, he decided drinking made him feel better.  I remember the 4am wake up I received, resulting in my having to get out of bed and drive around the streets of our neighborhood to find him after his drunk friends had dropped his drunk ass at a nearby gas station.  He couldn’t remember how to get home from there and had been wandering around for over an hour.  While he stumbled to bed to pass out, I had to fight the urge to throw things at his head and try to get myself back to sleep before my 7am alarm for work.  I remember locking my bedroom door and crossing my fingers that he didn’t bust the frame in his attempt to get in so we could “talk” about our problems – which mainly consisted of him being mad that I wouldn’t sleep with him when he was completed trashed, which must mean that I’m sleeping with other people.  I remember giving him the ultimatum of either never drinking again or moving out of our home.  I remember hoping that I could forgive, forget, and let go of all the things that had happened when he was drinking.  I remember realizing that I couldn’t.  I remember realizing that the drinking was only the obvious problem and that one that had been resolved, I still felt alone and empty inside.  I remember trying to force myself to suck it up because there were great people I knew that couldn’t even find a steady date, and I shouldn’t complain because I had finally found one that didn’t want to get rid of me once he used me up for whatever purpose he had in mind.  I remember the moment I realized that I would never be a mother because I would never feel comfortable taking on that responsibility with this man.  I remember finally accepting the fact that it was never going to work.

That lands me where I am now.  A failed marriage.  Divorcing.  27 years old and single.  And now I have a few more things to realize and accept.  While my friends are moving forward – graduating, starting futures in their new careers, potentially moving across the country, getting engaged, planning weddings, buying houses, trying to have their first child – I am stuck, if not moving backwards.  I can’t further my career without furthering my degree, which I can’t do without time and money, which I don’t have because of the line of work I chose and the current job I am in.  Not only have I been in a lonely marriage for the last 4 years, I am now fully 100% alone.  My friends all have significant others and long-term relationships that are their primary focus, as they should be, and my family is still three and half hours away.  I no longer have somebody to just decide on a whim to go out to dinner with.  I don’t have anybody to watch a movie with at 9 pm on a Tuesday just because we feel like it.  I am alone.  I will never be a mother.  I’m not sure, if after all the things I’ve been through, I will ever seriously entertain the thought of getting married again.  It is quite possible that my outlook on that will be one of the “been there, done that” kind of approaches.  And I am well aware of the fact that I would never be able to be a single parent.  My mother did it, and did an amazing job, but I don’t believe I am built that way.  I honestly think it would end up being a disservice to the child.  And as I have all these bits and pieces of all these negatives swimming around in my brain all day long, I made one last realization:

My marriage failed, despite my attempts to make it work, but I am not a failure.

I had the wonderful experience of being shown how I am seen by others, others that aren’t required to tell me how great I am because they are my family, and it reminded me that I am a decent person.  I have had overwhelming support from family and friends alike who continuously tell me how proud they are for the fact that I have been strong and brave enough to make these changes for myself to better my own life.  And while my childhood fairytale plans have fallen through, more than once, I know that there is no real way to plan for anything.  I may be single for the rest of my life, but I will never be alone.  I may never have a child of my own, but somewhere there will be a child that I can make a difference for in some way or another.  I don’t necessarily believe that all our lives are predetermined before we are even born, but I believe that my life is taking me in the direction I am meant to go, whatever or wherever that may be.  I believe that what is supposed to happen for me somehow will, regardless of how I plan.  So my new plan is: no plans.  I will not limit myself on one route to one end.  I will take things as they come, handle things when they happen, and do my very best to enjoy myself in the process.

Of course, there will still be bad days.  There will be days that I won’t want to talk to anyone or even get out of bed.  But there will also be good days.  There will be adventures and challenges of starting fresh.  And through both the good and the bad days, I will always remember to tell myself this: I am not a failure, I am not alone, and this is not the end.

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  1. Damn right, you are not a failure! I’ve been where you are, and felt what you’re feeling. Nearly twelve years after the fact, however, I am happily remarried and have the child I long dreamed about. You will get through this and you WILL have the life you so want and deserve. As my mother has told me throughout my life: “Cream always rises to the top.” You are cream!!

  2. You have more courage than I. Though I wrote a book, in which I give a confessional preface, and maintain a blog in which I have often painted the brutal details of my fall from grace, I do so under a pseudonym to hide behind. I don’t really have friends, so it is probably a useless measure, but one I still take. For the few I speak with at work, which is my sole avenue for social interaction these days, I am the guy full of wit and a zesty comeback. I would be horrified if I had to look into the eyes of anyone who had read my blog or book.

    So I guess I just wanted to say thank you for having the courage I don’t.

    Sincerely,
    Julien Haller

  3. You’re right about many things, particularly that you are not alone. You will have bad days – but at some point you’ll have more good than bad and you will be able to look back without it being so painful. This is a great post because it is vulnerable and raw and real. Thank you. Your honesty is refreshing… 🙂

  4. You are such an amazingly courageous woman. I think you would be an awesome single mom. I just hear adoption calling your name. As long as you know you can move forward in a positive way that is the way you can change a child’s life. You said your life plan right now is no plans… Well that’s good because there may be one moment where you realize you really do want to adopt and will do great being a single mom and that is when you step out of what you are used to or your comfort zone and start making moves… Take the leap of faith, you’ve got it! Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Thank you so much! I never envisioned myself as courageous lol. I do hold onto the belief that one day things will just click and I’ll know what I’m supposed to do, as long as I keep my head up in the meantime.

      • Definitely keep your head up… I will be following you on your journey!

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