imthatkay

When “Broken” Turns to “Damaged” & How I’m Turning Back

In Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on August 13, 2013 at 4:09 pm

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. –Ernest Hemingway

Love is impossible.  For some, it is impossible to find.  Others, impossible to keep.  And others still, impossible to forget.  Then there are those like myself.  Those few that find it impossible to feel.  This final group, the one in which I fall, are all liars.  Jaded minds with broken hearts that dispute the reality of love.  I will be the first to admit this.  Love was felt once upon a time, or the idea of love that looked so promising, only to be ripped away, leaving this carcass behind that questions and preaches disbelief of all things romantic.  The trouble with this is not that we put on false faces of disbelief.  The real problem is that after a while, we don’t even realize that it was false to begin with.  That little spark deep in our guts gets permanently extinguished after so long of being snuffed out.  That becomes the accepted reality for us: we are incapable of love – or better yet – of being loved.

And what happens if things change? When something magical seems to begin to happen that chips away at the false reality we’ve created?  Simple.  We discredit it.  We try to chip it away as it chips away at us.  “Self sabotage,” as they refer to it in psychology.  Allowing the overwhelming expectation and fear of disaster to guide one’s behaviors in such a way that it creates the disaster, or one close enough to it that one can say, “See, I told you so.”

“My heart is a stone and forever will be.  Like a beautiful lake, so calm and pretty, all the while being dark, cold, and full of turmoil just under the surface.  Spending every day waiting for the curtain to drop and the spotlight to hit all the negativity that must be hidden in this false wonder I’ve allowed myself to slip into enjoying.”

This is the mental process when good things actually begin to happen.  And then, when you’re extremely stubborn – as I can tend to be – you destroy it before it has a chance to completely destroy you.  It’s an awful cycle, one that I wish not to participate in.  Easier said than done…It doesn’t seem logical that one thing or event can make a person feel the polar opposites of exquisite happiness and overwhelming fear at the same time.  Fear, worry, self-doubt.  The anticipation that this will all go awry as it seems almost everything has in the past.  But,, still yet – warmth, contentment, comfort. The anticipation of just…more.

But who am I to speculate?  How can one hypothesize on a subject one has no knowledge about?  A first love at 16 is much different from an adult relationship, and when the previous adult relationships felt more like chores, I will be the first to admit that I do not have any substantial information to compare it to.  And this is how I decide to put my mind to rest (at least for now).  Everything in the “relationship world” is new to me again, and new things are always somewhat scary.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel because I’ve never been here before.  What I do know is that I will not allow myself to ruin good things based on the belief I somehow adopted from those people who failed me in my past that I was not worthy of these good things.  I am worthy of good things – great things, even.  And I will find them.  One by one, I will find them and collect them.  I will surround my life with them so that years from now when I happen upon this writing again, I will not recognize the saboteur previously mentioned.  I will look around me at all the good I will have and I will do it knowing that I deserve it.

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