imthatkay

Sometimes, A Funk Will Happen

In Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on September 10, 2013 at 2:56 pm

I’ve been in a funk for a few days. I’m blaming it on the fact that I have ovaries who hate me, but in reality, I just do this sometimes regardless of PMS. I haven’t figured out why. It’s like the little voice in the back of my head mocking everything I do and reminding me of all my doubts and fears with a PowerPoint presentation and pen light just takes over control of my whole brain.

It makes me second guess everything. Everything I do, everything anyone around does. It makes me paranoid of secret motives and lies. I can rationalize throughout the barrage of endless negativity, telling myself I’m being, for lack of a better description, borderline insane. I think that’s the worst part. I know as I’m going through this whole process that most of what’s going on in my head is unfounded and illogical, but it doesn’t actually stop it from happening. Truth be told, I’ve yet to find anything that can stop it.

The second worst part is having to try to explain it away to people around me. “Lets play it off as PMS. Lets just say it was a long day and work was tough or I’m just exhausted. I promise it’s not anything you’ve done.” But how do you explain to someone who doesn’t go through something similar that every now and then, your mind loses control a bit? That once in a while, you somehow turn on yourself? I also have yet to find a successful way around or through that.

Its exhausting. And it makes me feel selfish because of some of the random theories and scenarios I create in my head and because I still don’t know how to openly talk about it with the people who mean the most to me. I know it leaves them guessing and worried. But I also kind of know that no amount of explaining would make a difference because its difficult to understand something when you don’t have a comparable story of your own. It’s even more difficult to understand something when the person describing it is completely incapable of verbalizing it coherently.

The one thing I do know is that dwelling on it only increases that terrible anxious feeling. It is no cure, but the only method of sparing others, namely my significant other, from having to bear this burden as well is to brush it off as much as possible. Ignoring a problem won’t make it go away, but engaging in fun and happy activities can put a person in a more fun and happy state of mind. I’ve accepted that sometimes a funk will happen. Sometimes, I will feel down with no legitimate cause. And as much as it can take over my brain, I refuse to let it hinder or damage another person or my relationship with them, and I guess that’s what’s going to count, right?

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  1. I can relate…great blog!

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