New Year, Old Me

In Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on January 10, 2014 at 10:34 am

Another year gone.  This anniversary.  That anniversary.  Another birthday passed.  Cycle of holidays.  The end of one era.  Sadness and failure.  Acceptance and moving forward.  New friends.  The start of a new era.

I ruined someone’s life in this year we’ve just left.  Not carelessly, not permanently, but for a short time, I know it felt to them that I did.  I didn’t mean it.  I did everything I could to avoid it.  But 2 years of denying the inevitable and thinking it was easier to make myself miserable than to have someone else be unhappy at my expense took a toll on me.

It was hard.  I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I had played this character for so long, I couldn’t remember what or who was buried under the mask of false acceptance.  I was broke.  I was alone. But it was my decision that had me there.

I can function quite well under pressure, until it reaches a certain point.  And boy, did it ever reach – then surpass – that point.  Lots of distractions all the time to keep my brain busy.  That worked until I laid down to sleep at night.  Idle mind equaled over thinking, equaled freaking out, equaled panic attacks, equaled what even is sleep anymore?

I backslid.  I also forgot what food was like for a while.  For a short time, my nervous stomach made it hard to handle any food without feeling like I was going to immediately hurl it back up.  To avoid that, I just cut out food, which wasn’t really a stretch or all that surprising given my history.  That all too quickly turned into not being able to eat even if I wanted to.  Constant migraines, popping Excedrin like tictacs, my clothes started to get looser and looser.  I arranged lunch and dinner dates with friends, hoping that my never-ending desire to always appear on the top of my game would be enough to force me to eat something, but I had evidently mastered the art of minimal eating and maximum food toying.  Move it around a bit, mix it up, put a little on your fork, get distracted by conversation and put your fork back down.  I was a sneak and didn’t even realize it.  But hey, at least my constant running on empty brought on the fatigue that allowed me to get some sleep.  Sleep, in the form of unavoidable and sporadic naps throughout the day, of course.  Sleeping at night would have made too much sense, I suppose.

Loneliness.  Happy freaking couples all around and here I am.  Yeah, I’ll just adopt another dog.  Maybe a cat…or 47.  Hello, jaded cold heart.  I don’t need love anyways, not like it actually even exists.  I’ll just die alone and have my plethora of adopted pets to eat me until someone stumbles upon my body, plan courtesy of Sex and the City post-divorce Miranda.

Relationships?  Another marriage?  Never.  Not for this girl.  Until my path crossed with a skinny, kind of crazy, hyper, tattooed factory worker who was just as weird and jaded as I was with a history rivaling my own in the romance department.  I didn’t want to get to know somebody.  I didn’t want feelings.  I didn’t want to care about anything and I had been doing pretty damn good on my mission with that.  But there was something about this boy that tested my will.

Maybe it was the attention he paid.  Maybe it was his appreciation of small things.  Maybe it was his carefree sense of humor.  Maybe it was because I had found someone so similar to myself, while still bringing something new to my life.  And his pretty face wasn’t too bad, either.  But slowly, ever so slowly, I felt myself beginning to warm again.

He was the perfect distraction.  No – not distraction.  He didn’t distract me from my problems.  He talked with me about them.  He put things in perspective and made me realize that things weren’t all bad all the time.  I began thinking about myself and my future with more positivity.  I was getting into activities that I loved that I hadn’t been a part of for a while.  I was trying new things and I began to feel amazing.  I had wants and desires and plans that were just for me, and that was something I hadn’t been able to even consider in a very long time.  Then others started to notice.  My mother, my old and dear friends, coworkers, all telling me that I was glowing and that it was so nice to see me back to normal and back to my old self again.

My old self.  Funny, joking, happy, laughing, silly, random, weird, a little crazy.  All because of this one boy who was able, without even trying, to get me to see myself in a different way just by being present.  How do you thank someone for that?  Because I’m pretty sure he may have saved my life.  I can feel again.  I look forward to things again, and not just things involving him, but just things in general.  I can eat again.  I can sleep again.  I have fun, real fun, without having to wear the mask of enjoyment while being completely numb underneath.  I did try to avoid feelings, but they hit me in the face.  I did try to avoid attachment or the option for a new relationship, but it snuck its way in anyways.  And I don’t mind it.

So while everyone else struggles to maintain their New Year’s resolutions of going to the gym or going on a diet or becoming a new person (because, let’s face it, just because the number of the year changed, it does not mean there is going to be some existential change in a person’s personality, characteristics, or habits), I’ll be just fine with nothing changing.  I made my change before the new year, but it wasn’t something new for me.  New Year, new me?  No thanks.  I’m gad to have reverted to old habits.  New year, old me all the way, every year until my last.

  1. A Wonderful Post 🙂 Thank You. Hope you Have a Great Weekend!


  2. […] self advice, what would it be? I found this interesting, as I had already written my previous post (New Year, Old Me) and it seemed to relate directly to my thought […]



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