imthatkay

The Big Bomb, Or Not

In Personal, Random on July 24, 2014 at 11:20 am

When I was younger I always thought, “By the time I’m 25, I’ll have it all together. A degree, a good career, a house, starting a family. I’ll know everything I need and it’ll all be perfect.”  When I realized I had hit and surpassed that age with still no clue as to what I was doing and what I had already done starting to unraveled at the seams, I got the first slap in the face to young me.  3 years later, I still have no clue what I’m doing. I still have no idea how to be successfully normal. But now I’m wondering if there is even such a thing…

I used to think it was just me, the curse of bad luck that seems to be passed along with genetics in my family. Things are going perfect, not a care in the world, and just when you relax and begin to really enjoy it – the bomb drops and everything blows up in your face.

I used to think good things just didn’t happen for me, not for long anyways. Then, through a series of these types of events and a few not-so-preferable influences on my life, I began to think that it was happening to me for a reason. As if I was a terrible person, I thought why would unfortunate or bad or sad things keep happening if I didn’t do something to deserve it all?

After growing and maturing, being put in situations or putting myself into situations that forced me to change my perspective on a lot of things, I’ve come to realize that my outlook on this was completely exaggerated.  It’s not me.  It’s just life.  These kinds of things happen to everyone – good or bad, young or old, happy or not. I also came to realize that it’s not as obvious for some people, from the outside looking in, because of the ways they choose to handle these events.  It’s not that they don’t happen, it’s that some people choose not to let it get them down or run the rest of their life.

That’s the part I’m still working on improving. That, and also my desperate fear of yet another bomb looming overhead. And that’s what I struggle with the most. I know it’s habit, and it’s the mechanism I’ve created for myself to deal, cope, and have a sense of being somewhat prepared, but one of the first things you learn in psychology is that sometimes defense mechanisms are more of a hindrance on a person than a real method of protection.

First, my big hurdle has been to stop seeking it out and make sure I don’t overreact or imagine up some theory to create this metaphorical bomb. I’ve always reveled in my twisted and off the wall creativity, but in this case it often gets the best of me. So that’s my question: how do you retrain your brain to stop looking for those bad events? How do you stop expecting the bomb? And honestly, should you? Should you go through life acting completely oblivious to the things that could happen? Or is living that way just sucking all the fun and, well, life out of your life? And an even bigger question, does anybody really even know?

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  1. […] putting a pass code lock on it. In my usual fashion, I went straight to paranoia. Here it is, that bomb I’ve waiting for that is going to destroy this whole world I’ve been living in the last year and a half.  I […]

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