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Archive for the ‘Opinion/Personal’ Category

Super Shorts – Little Twinkles

In Fiction, Personal, Writing on March 25, 2016 at 7:59 pm

It started as just little twinkles. Quick flashes like soft, colorful fireflies in pinks, greens, and purples.  They danced on her eyelids and she yearned to be closer to them.  She reached for them, stretching her arms and straining her vision.  Their intensity grew and she knew she was near.

Vibrant blues and reds overtook the pastel hues and she could hear something.  A vibration, no – a whisper. Now a humming in the distance, getting louder and more distinct with each second.  Voices, noises…it sounded like a party.  The lights were still spinning around her and it made her feel like she was the guest of honor at a festive disco.  She imagined this was how a celebrity felt – lights flashing, blurred faces quickly in and out of focus as she passed them, all wishing to talk to her for just a moment, touch her, as she made her grand entrance into the gala being held just for her.  A face hovered in her vision longer than the others, a man likely near her age with warm hazel eyes.  A spinning disco ball threw flashes of the bright lights all over her and all around the room, the voices swelled around her, and the host illuminated her with a soft white spotlight.

She was transfixed by the light.  She gazed longingly at it, unconsciously moving towards it as if a magnet was pulling her to its source. It was warm and shimmered on her skin and she was covered in fine silver glitter. She reached out to the light, sensing that her fingers were only inches from being able to grasp its origin.  Anticipation ran through her body like static, tingling her nerves and tickling the fine hairs on her arms.  Just as she knew she was there, the crowd rushed in, surrounding her.  They were excited, frantic almost.  Their manic movement was starting to put distance between her and the source of the lovely light.  She reached farther, strained harder, closing the gap, when the crowd swelled and she was pushed forcefully backward by a hard hit to her chest.  It knocked the air out of her and she flinched.

In that instant, the soft, warm light began to pulse and quickly transformed. It became harsh, like staring at a fluorescent light while suffering a migraine.  The warmth was gone and she felt a chilled breeze brush her skin.  The voices were still present behind a low roar in her ears, but not excited and happy.  They were concerned, emotional, and she couldn’t see the faces they were coming from.  The light was so painfully bright now, she couldn’t stand to face it any longer.  She turned her head to shield her vision, and felt a sharp pain run down her neck and into back.  She winced, but it worked. She could see, and all the shimmering flecks of glitter slowly took shape as bits and pieces of glass surrounding her, reflecting flashing lights from the distance.

Slowly, she recognized that one voice was rising above the roar.  It was calm, sweet almost, saying her name.  Even slower, she was able to focus on a face slightly above her, his warm hazel eyes.

“You’re going to be okay,” he said reassuringly.  “Don’t try to move. You’ve been in an accident, but everything is going to be okay.”

Love Is…

In Opinion, Opinion/Personal, Random on March 5, 2016 at 12:52 pm

No worries, I won’t be giving some over-thought detailed list of all the things that love should be based solely on my needs and desires.  Love is many things, and those many things are different from person to person. But the one commonality I’ve noticed most is that people forget how simple it should be, just like everything else in life once adulthood hits.

Yes, life is complicated, but think about how much of that complication is caused by overthinking, overreacting, baggage from previous experiences – I could keep going.  But instead, I’ll just take a moment to remind everyone that things are so much easier to understand and accept when they are kept simple and pure, like when we were children, before we were jaded by the negativity of the world and our own doubts.

So I’ll just leave this here.  Pure, honest, true.  Think about it.

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The Agent of Injustice

In Opinion, Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on September 2, 2015 at 4:22 pm

Kim Davis.

There’s no way you haven’t heard her name or seen her face at least once for her refusal to issue marriage licenses in a Kentucky County, despite being ordered by the federal court multiple times and now possibly facing fines and jail time.  To some she’s a martyr, standing up for her religious beliefs.  To some she’s a nuisance, furthering stereotypes of the region and keeping her tax payer funded job position despite refusing to perform her job duties.

First of all, let me start by saying that this country was built for people to have the freedom to have their own beliefs and to fight for those beliefs.  I applaud those that are brave enough to stand out from the crowd and stand firm on their beliefs.  My issue with her is not that she is standing up for her religion.  My issue is that, should her personal beliefs conflict with her job and changing her personal beliefs is not an option for her, then she should find a new job.  My issue is that her personal beliefs being allowed to affect her job performance is hindering the freedom of others.

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And So They Met

In Non-Fiction, Personal, Writing on September 1, 2015 at 10:10 pm

How She Met Her Father, Part 4.  See Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

Two months had passed since her graduation.  Against all expectation, he had actually shown up.  Late – sneaking in a side door once the ceremony had already begun – and empty handed, but he was there.  Afterwards, waiting out back of the school near the parking lot, sending in his youngest child, her half brother, to get her.  Awkward side hugs, awkward small talk as if they had known each other from years ago.  Since then, her sisters requested visits more often, explaining “Daddy wants to see you, and he’ll meet you at our house.”  Sometimes he was there already, clutching a beer.  Sometimes they would call him once or twice, then have to pick him up from whatever friend’s house where he had started drinking.  Sometimes, though not often, he would already be too drunk to make it at all.

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To Nip, or No? *Warning – Boobies.

In Opinion, Opinion/Personal, Random on July 9, 2015 at 7:49 pm

I’ve been seeing a lot of debate over this whole “free the nipple” craze lately.  Those in support state that women are hypersexualized, that there should be no difference in seeing the male nipple everywhere versus seeing the female nipple. There’s even a new trend on social media in which girls are posting topless photos of themselves with a male nipple photoshopped over their own nipples, which ultimately gives the appearance of wearing a nipple-pasty.

I am inserting the “Read More” tag early in this post, as bewbs are to follow, and not all people wish to see that unprepared. Or at all…

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It’s the little things

In Personal, Random on June 11, 2015 at 10:26 pm

Some days, I’m confident. 100% happy. 1000% sure of – everything. Totally in control.

Some days, my brain glitches out. I’m a zombie. Forgetful. Confused, even by the most mundane tasks.

Some days, I’m indescribable. I’m scared, nervous, anxious. For what? I never know. It makes me unhappy.

It’s exhausting for me, so I can only imagine how exhausting it is for the people close to me.

But I thank my lucky stars every day for those people. Those people and their little words or actions, those people who don’t even realize what they do.

My wonderful grandmother, so proud of the things I’ve taken after her, always sure to remind me that no matter what is going on she’s supportive and understanding.

My quirky mother, unknowingly providing quality entertainment in attempting to learn new technology and this crazy texting thing.

And my wonderful fiance, eat-breath-live-music man, who chooses his own way to show me he cares. Never flowers, because those just sit until they die. But useful little gifts, and funny little songs.  And telling me that he loves me “more than everything, even vinyls and banjo and guitar.”

And I soak it up and let it settle in.  And I feel balanced again – because I love and am loved, and that’s what’s really important here.

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A Life Story – Addiction

In Opinion/Personal, Personal on May 30, 2015 at 3:26 pm

I still have pictures of us in diapers, laying together in the floor of my mother’s apartment, right across the hall from her parents’ apartment.  Most of my childhood memories include her.  Our mother’s were best friends.  We were raised together.  We fought like sisters, and although we weren’t truly related by blood, we came to call each other cousins.  It was easier to explain due to our shared last names and the fact that we literally grew up together.  By middle school, we had formed our own separate groups of friends, and still like sisters, we reached a point where despite knowing we loved each other, we argued more than anything.  By high school, we had outgrown that stage and became close once again.  We planned classes together.  We were together all summer break long.  There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t talk.

Her parents split up.  Her mom left.  Her dad was devastated.  I can remember staying the night at her house one weekend and having to take care of her father as he drank his feelings away.  Then a wedge came in.  A wedge that I viewed as a nuisance, a problem, inevitable trouble.  She viewed him as perfection.  We had both had other boyfriends throughout our years, but this one was different.  I had a terrible feeling about this one.

I knew his habits.  Everybody did.  Then I came back home from college to visit for a weekend and ran into her at a store.  We hadn’t talked in a little while.  I almost didn’t recognize her.  She was frail, bony, her cheeks were sunk in, her pupils were completely blown out.  I knew.  She had allowed his habits into her life like never before.

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The Wedding Games

In Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on February 16, 2015 at 6:25 pm

Announcing an engagement is always a big deal.  Some people throw a party.  Some people immediately get professional pictures done.  Some people change their relationship status on social media.  Fiance and I updated our Facebook, made phone calls to those we wouldn’t be seeing soon, sent texts to our closest friends, and showed the ring off to our families.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when we announced our news.  First of all, we had only been dating a year and a half.  To some people, that would be a quick relationship progression.  However, for us, it just makes sense.  Fiance and I have been on the same page from the very beginning.  After our first date, we both knew there were going to be many more.  It was comfortable and felt safe and we made each other happy.  After a few months, we both knew that dates on weekends wasn’t enough and decided to move in together.  It felt right.  After a few more months, idle chatter started about positions on marriage and children and all the things you start to talk about when you find the person you can’t see spending a day without.  Maybe to others it could appear to be a rash decision made quickly and without thought, as our whole relationships could be viewed I suppose, but what they say is true: when you know, you know.  And in my opinion, this has to be the closest thing to fairytale love-at-first-sight that there ever was.  The real elephant in the room is that fact that I’ve been down this road before.  I’ve been engaged.  I had a wedding.  I was in a marriage.  And the point of that story is that it failed.

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A Name Changer

In Opinion/Personal, Personal on January 28, 2015 at 9:45 am

It happened. A day I thought I would never see, a day I thought I would never have, a day that until within the last year I never thought I would want.

Boyfriend was acting very strange lately. I was catching whispers between him and his friends upon entering rooms, immediately followed by failed attempts to appear normal and quick “nothing” responses when I casually ask what’s up. He became secretive with his cell phone, constantly texting away and even putting a pass code lock on it. In my usual fashion, I went straight to paranoia. Here it is, that bomb I’ve waiting for that is going to destroy this whole world I’ve been living in the last year and a half.  I don’t question that he loves me. I don’t think for a second that he would hurt me. But I still always have that little voice in my head screaming all my worst fears and all my past experiences.  In his usual fashion, he read my mind and squashed my concerns by casually tells me about putting passcode on his phone after leaving it unattended at work and coming back to find someone had been messing with it, as well as the conversations he has been having with his family about my Christmas gifts, since I’m apparently very difficult to shop for.

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I am on an island.

In Opinion/Personal, Personal on November 10, 2014 at 11:41 pm

I am on an island.  Not literally, though a vacation would be so nice.  More so theoretically, maybe emotionally, but definitely socially.

I put my relationship first.  For us to have a better future, certain sacrifices needed to be made.  We needed more money.  We needed more space.  We took a bigger house for cheap, which sounds awesome.  For the most part, it is.  But I sacrificed living in the city I’d always wanted to live in to move to a small, druggie youth infested town full of my boyfriend’s old baggage from growing up here.  Granted, it is only a 35-45 minute drive from our old place.  But that 45 minutes may as well be an impassible canyon with me on one side, every friend I have on the other, and a gaping hole full of work and conflicting schedules and an utter disinterest in driving the twisting country roads between the two.

It doesn’t help that my boyfriend works constantly.  Not by his choice, and not with overwhelming enjoyment, but his job keeps him away around 13-14 hours a day usually 6 days a week and he’s on a complete opposite schedule than I am.  When I wake up to start me work day, he’s just barely made it home, eaten, and crawled into bed.

So I developed a new routine.  I wake up.  I work.  Two to three times a week I make the drive into the city for work, meetings or turning in paperwork at my main office.  I generally try to be home by around 1 so I can have lunch and not have to spend way too much money on crap food at a drive-thru.  That also allows me to get about 10 minutes in with my boyfriend as he frantically showers, eats, and gathers all his things to head off to the factory.  I make some quick food (instant noodles or pizza rolls, a microwave breakfast sandwich if we’re feeling fancy) and pack his lunch (always a water, an Ale-8, a sandwich baggie of snacks such as veggies or chips, and some varied combination of bread, cheese, meat, sauce, and banana peppers) while he’s in the shower, then collect all his things (lunch box, walkie talkie, keys, work badge, pen, etc) and place them in a nice pile by the coffee table.  Sometimes he has enough time to sit at the dining table with me and eat before he leaves, but most of the time he throws it in a plastic bowl and takes it with him to eat while he’s rushing to work.  Then I finish my work day, alternating between paperwork/emails/phone calls and doing household chores.  I do the dishes, sometimes twice (we don’t currently have a dishwasher), I sweep and mop to clean up the wreckage of a chew-crazy chiweenie demolishing stuffed animals and an enormous macaw that enjoys throwing peanut shells all over the living room floor.  I do a load of laundry almost daily.  I do the shopping, quick trips between the big grocery trips for things such as milk or bread that you tend to run out of quickly.  I make dinner, putting the leftovers in the fridge for Boyfriend.  I watch Netflix.  Lots of Netflix (because we also don’t have cable right now) and I have scarily in depth conversations with both my dog and my bird.  On Fridays or Saturdays, I sometimes make a late trip to the city to take Boyfriend some lunch around 8 pm.  We sit in my car and eat and chat for about 20 minutes before he has to return to work and I make the 45 minute drive back to the house for more Netflix with our pets.

Boyfriend tells me I should “make friends.”  He’s got a lot of old friends in town that are pretty decent people (which is an accomplishment in this town) and he thinks we’d hit it off perfectly.  The only problem with that is that you have to meet someone first to be able to hit it off, and to meet someone you don’t know you have to be introduced, which is basically impossible since Boyfriend and I only get around 8 hours on Sundays together when we’re both home and awake.  I also have that very typical thought of “everyone is mid to late 20’s.  They already have their group of friends and will have no interest in forming a new group.”  I know that isn’t entirely true, but there is truth in the statement.  I have my regular group of friends that I always do everything with.  I have made different friends and have a few stragglers that are sort of part of that group but sort of like a group of their own, but I mostly stick with my close group as I imagine most people do.  However, my close group of friends is currently going in a million different directions.  Married, newlyweds, engaged, buying houses, moving to bigger cities even further away, new jobs, promotions, planning weddings.  The list goes on.

Most people don’t have the time or desire to drive 45 minutes out of their way to come to a small place with nothing to do just to sit at my house.  I have nothing to offer to people.  No tv, the best nightlife is a sports bar that rarely sees above 20 people at a time unless there is live music.  There’s not even a coffee shop, unless it’s so well hidden that I’ve yet to see it.  And for me, the thought of driving to the city, especially if I’ve already been there and back for work that day, and then driving back to my empty house after dark is so unappealing that it just seems easier to never leave my house at all.  So that’s exactly what I did for probably a month.  I stayed at my house.  I made excuses.  Money is still tight from remodeling and house repairs, so at least that was always a legitimate reason to not participate in plans.  But it started to get to me.  I became emotional and easily agitated.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  I felt like I was all on my own, on my own lonely little island.

Boyfriend says “Go out.”  He assured me that if I went out or made plans with friends while he was working, he would never be upset.  He didn’t like the idea of me sitting at home alone all the time.  By this point, though, I didn’t even want to be around other people.  I didn’t want to leave my little bubble.  I just wanted to wallow there.  But he encouraged me to get out, and so I did.  I made plans with friends, going to get coffee or chatting around a fire pit in their backyard for 2 hours.  I was still able to have my weekend lunch at 8 pm Boyfriend, and got to see my friends afterwards.  The drive did suck, and it was a bit of a let down when I got back home to be alone again, but I was glad I had done it. It still doesn’t happen as often as it used to when we all lived 10 minutes away from each other, but it’s better than nothing at all.  I realized I just needed to figure out a good balance.

And I also realized something else by forcing myself back out of my shell and out of my funk.  I knew from the time I was 14 that I would live in this city.  At 21, I graduated college and moved straight there.  I loved it. Fast forward 5 years and I’m completely jaded without even realizing it.  I didn’t see the beauty I had seen at 14 and 21 anymore.  All I saw was traffic jams, loud noises – sirens, police, ambulances, people in general, nonstop everything all the time.  But driving into the city at 7:30, just as it’s starting to get dark and all the street lights are popping on, all the headlights are switching on, all the stores signs are lighting up, I felt that long lost familiar twinge, that child-like amazement at how beautiful the busy streets were and wondering where all these people were making their way to, what big plans they all had in store for their night.  Moving out of my dream town actually gave me the opportunity to appreciate it again, and this time in a better way I think.  I’m close enough to enjoy it when I want, but I can leave when it starts to become too much for me again.  And it also allowed me to appreciate my new town a little more.  I think I’ve heard 3 sirens in the whole 3 months I’ve been living here.   I can see the stars from my back porch.  Hell, I have a back porch, and a back yard, with a fence!  And I get to share it all with Boyfriend.  Yes, he’s working most of the time, but the fact that he has the ambition to and drive to work and make good money, the fact that he apologizes for working so hard because he “wants us to have nice things”, that makes it all worth it.  “We have a house now,” he tells me.  “Me and you.”  And even without the new found or regained appreciation for the town and the city, that statement alone would make it all worth it.

I am on an island, sort of.  And I am happy.

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