Posts Tagged ‘Boyfriend’

A Name Changer

In Opinion/Personal, Personal on January 28, 2015 at 9:45 am

It happened. A day I thought I would never see, a day I thought I would never have, a day that until within the last year I never thought I would want.

Boyfriend was acting very strange lately. I was catching whispers between him and his friends upon entering rooms, immediately followed by failed attempts to appear normal and quick “nothing” responses when I casually ask what’s up. He became secretive with his cell phone, constantly texting away and even putting a pass code lock on it. In my usual fashion, I went straight to paranoia. Here it is, that bomb I’ve waiting for that is going to destroy this whole world I’ve been living in the last year and a half.  I don’t question that he loves me. I don’t think for a second that he would hurt me. But I still always have that little voice in my head screaming all my worst fears and all my past experiences.  In his usual fashion, he read my mind and squashed my concerns by casually tells me about putting passcode on his phone after leaving it unattended at work and coming back to find someone had been messing with it, as well as the conversations he has been having with his family about my Christmas gifts, since I’m apparently very difficult to shop for.

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I am on an island.

In Opinion/Personal, Personal on November 10, 2014 at 11:41 pm

I am on an island.  Not literally, though a vacation would be so nice.  More so theoretically, maybe emotionally, but definitely socially.

I put my relationship first.  For us to have a better future, certain sacrifices needed to be made.  We needed more money.  We needed more space.  We took a bigger house for cheap, which sounds awesome.  For the most part, it is.  But I sacrificed living in the city I’d always wanted to live in to move to a small, druggie youth infested town full of my boyfriend’s old baggage from growing up here.  Granted, it is only a 35-45 minute drive from our old place.  But that 45 minutes may as well be an impassible canyon with me on one side, every friend I have on the other, and a gaping hole full of work and conflicting schedules and an utter disinterest in driving the twisting country roads between the two.

It doesn’t help that my boyfriend works constantly.  Not by his choice, and not with overwhelming enjoyment, but his job keeps him away around 13-14 hours a day usually 6 days a week and he’s on a complete opposite schedule than I am.  When I wake up to start me work day, he’s just barely made it home, eaten, and crawled into bed.

So I developed a new routine.  I wake up.  I work.  Two to three times a week I make the drive into the city for work, meetings or turning in paperwork at my main office.  I generally try to be home by around 1 so I can have lunch and not have to spend way too much money on crap food at a drive-thru.  That also allows me to get about 10 minutes in with my boyfriend as he frantically showers, eats, and gathers all his things to head off to the factory.  I make some quick food (instant noodles or pizza rolls, a microwave breakfast sandwich if we’re feeling fancy) and pack his lunch (always a water, an Ale-8, a sandwich baggie of snacks such as veggies or chips, and some varied combination of bread, cheese, meat, sauce, and banana peppers) while he’s in the shower, then collect all his things (lunch box, walkie talkie, keys, work badge, pen, etc) and place them in a nice pile by the coffee table.  Sometimes he has enough time to sit at the dining table with me and eat before he leaves, but most of the time he throws it in a plastic bowl and takes it with him to eat while he’s rushing to work.  Then I finish my work day, alternating between paperwork/emails/phone calls and doing household chores.  I do the dishes, sometimes twice (we don’t currently have a dishwasher), I sweep and mop to clean up the wreckage of a chew-crazy chiweenie demolishing stuffed animals and an enormous macaw that enjoys throwing peanut shells all over the living room floor.  I do a load of laundry almost daily.  I do the shopping, quick trips between the big grocery trips for things such as milk or bread that you tend to run out of quickly.  I make dinner, putting the leftovers in the fridge for Boyfriend.  I watch Netflix.  Lots of Netflix (because we also don’t have cable right now) and I have scarily in depth conversations with both my dog and my bird.  On Fridays or Saturdays, I sometimes make a late trip to the city to take Boyfriend some lunch around 8 pm.  We sit in my car and eat and chat for about 20 minutes before he has to return to work and I make the 45 minute drive back to the house for more Netflix with our pets.

Boyfriend tells me I should “make friends.”  He’s got a lot of old friends in town that are pretty decent people (which is an accomplishment in this town) and he thinks we’d hit it off perfectly.  The only problem with that is that you have to meet someone first to be able to hit it off, and to meet someone you don’t know you have to be introduced, which is basically impossible since Boyfriend and I only get around 8 hours on Sundays together when we’re both home and awake.  I also have that very typical thought of “everyone is mid to late 20’s.  They already have their group of friends and will have no interest in forming a new group.”  I know that isn’t entirely true, but there is truth in the statement.  I have my regular group of friends that I always do everything with.  I have made different friends and have a few stragglers that are sort of part of that group but sort of like a group of their own, but I mostly stick with my close group as I imagine most people do.  However, my close group of friends is currently going in a million different directions.  Married, newlyweds, engaged, buying houses, moving to bigger cities even further away, new jobs, promotions, planning weddings.  The list goes on.

Most people don’t have the time or desire to drive 45 minutes out of their way to come to a small place with nothing to do just to sit at my house.  I have nothing to offer to people.  No tv, the best nightlife is a sports bar that rarely sees above 20 people at a time unless there is live music.  There’s not even a coffee shop, unless it’s so well hidden that I’ve yet to see it.  And for me, the thought of driving to the city, especially if I’ve already been there and back for work that day, and then driving back to my empty house after dark is so unappealing that it just seems easier to never leave my house at all.  So that’s exactly what I did for probably a month.  I stayed at my house.  I made excuses.  Money is still tight from remodeling and house repairs, so at least that was always a legitimate reason to not participate in plans.  But it started to get to me.  I became emotional and easily agitated.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  I felt like I was all on my own, on my own lonely little island.

Boyfriend says “Go out.”  He assured me that if I went out or made plans with friends while he was working, he would never be upset.  He didn’t like the idea of me sitting at home alone all the time.  By this point, though, I didn’t even want to be around other people.  I didn’t want to leave my little bubble.  I just wanted to wallow there.  But he encouraged me to get out, and so I did.  I made plans with friends, going to get coffee or chatting around a fire pit in their backyard for 2 hours.  I was still able to have my weekend lunch at 8 pm Boyfriend, and got to see my friends afterwards.  The drive did suck, and it was a bit of a let down when I got back home to be alone again, but I was glad I had done it. It still doesn’t happen as often as it used to when we all lived 10 minutes away from each other, but it’s better than nothing at all.  I realized I just needed to figure out a good balance.

And I also realized something else by forcing myself back out of my shell and out of my funk.  I knew from the time I was 14 that I would live in this city.  At 21, I graduated college and moved straight there.  I loved it. Fast forward 5 years and I’m completely jaded without even realizing it.  I didn’t see the beauty I had seen at 14 and 21 anymore.  All I saw was traffic jams, loud noises – sirens, police, ambulances, people in general, nonstop everything all the time.  But driving into the city at 7:30, just as it’s starting to get dark and all the street lights are popping on, all the headlights are switching on, all the stores signs are lighting up, I felt that long lost familiar twinge, that child-like amazement at how beautiful the busy streets were and wondering where all these people were making their way to, what big plans they all had in store for their night.  Moving out of my dream town actually gave me the opportunity to appreciate it again, and this time in a better way I think.  I’m close enough to enjoy it when I want, but I can leave when it starts to become too much for me again.  And it also allowed me to appreciate my new town a little more.  I think I’ve heard 3 sirens in the whole 3 months I’ve been living here.   I can see the stars from my back porch.  Hell, I have a back porch, and a back yard, with a fence!  And I get to share it all with Boyfriend.  Yes, he’s working most of the time, but the fact that he has the ambition to and drive to work and make good money, the fact that he apologizes for working so hard because he “wants us to have nice things”, that makes it all worth it.  “We have a house now,” he tells me.  “Me and you.”  And even without the new found or regained appreciation for the town and the city, that statement alone would make it all worth it.

I am on an island, sort of.  And I am happy.

Dream Chronicles – Home Invasion

In Personal on July 24, 2014 at 11:07 am

                        A History In Review                                     A Lover’s Quarrel

I fell asleep for a nap on my couch.  I was napping lightly, so I was somewhat aware of my surroundings and my eyes would occasionally open for a second before drifting off again.  I think that’s why this dream seemed so creepy to me, because due to my in and out of consciousness, I was fairly confused about what had been real and what wasn’t.

In my dream, it was the same scenario as real life.  I had dozed off on my couch.  I could hear someone moving about in the kitchen, going into the bathroom, coming back out and rummaging through the kitchen again.  My eyes groggily pulled open for a second.  I knew it was too early in the day for my boyfriend to be getting ready for work, but I thought maybe he had just woken up a little early and hadn’t been able to fall back asleep.  Before I could look around the room or search for the noise of the rummaging, I had dozed off again.  What I’m assuming was a few minutes later, I heard more rummaging around.  I could hear and feel the presence of someone walking behind the couch and across the living room toward the patio door.  The door was opened, and again I thought my boyfriend had just woken up early and was checking the weather outside.  I tried very hard to open my eyes but my eyelids were heavy and my vision was blurry when I finally managed it, which made them close immediately again.  I desperately tried to fully wake up, my eyes fluttering, so I could talk to my boyfriend, and through this fluttery blurry vision I recall a shadowy hand waving in front of my face.  Although I saw no details, I felt that it was my boyfriend trying to be quiet so not to wake me, but testing to see how asleep I was or if he would wake me up.  I knew I hadn’t heard the patio door close again and I began to get paranoid, thinking that my dog was going to run out.  This was enough motivation for me to keep my eyes open long enough so not to immediately fall back asleep.

I looked over to the patio door, ready to ask my boyfriend why he wasn’t still in bed and to make sure that our dog was safe in the house, but there was no one there.  The patio door was shut like normal.  My dog was lying next to me on the couch.  I looked into the kitchen, everything was as I had left it after I had lunch.  The bathroom light was off and the door was open.  I could hear my boyfriend’s fan humming on in the bedroom, which he required to be able to sleep.  There was a half second in which I thought he had still gotten up and just hadn’t turned his fan off, but I saw him sleeping soundly when I peeked through the door.  I had a moment of panic in which I thought someone else had been in my house and I did a quick once over the apartment again, but nothing seemed out of order.  I finally calmed myself, realizing that this was just one of those weird, realistic, sort of asleep dream/hallucination things.  I still climbed into bed with my boyfriend, though.  Despite knowing it was a dream, I felt like being next to him would make me safer.

My Valentine’s Day Love Story to Music

In Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on February 14, 2014 at 8:26 am

I think I’ve finally figured out my love for music.  Despite bring completely oblivious to the technical side, knowing any real musical terms, or having any knowledge whatsoever on how to play any kind of instrument, I have still always felt very drawn to and moved by music.

There is that girly side of me that hears a song and says, ” oh my god, that’s EXACTLY how I feel right now!” There’s also the side of me that enjoys the pure creativity of it.  As a writer and (recently dabbling) painter, it’s very easy even without any real knowledge to appreciate another’s form of expression and that’s a very important thing for the artistic community, no matter what your craft is.  And a good play on words or an intellectual and beautiful flow of words that reads or sounds so elegant and pretty on paper or on the tongue set to a melody? I’m a sucker…

But what really sparks my love for music is the ability it has to remind me of who I am, that magical moment during the first few seconds of a song that somehow transports me to another time and place that I may not have even thought about in years.

Example A: anytime I hear Journey‘s “Don’t Stop Believing” I am taken back 4-5 years to a grungy Irish pub on a busy street a little over an hour from my home with 2 of the best friends I’ve ever had.  We’ve all started our lives outside of the college world now – jobs, responsibility, marriage, kids even – and it makes it hard to stay in touch as much as we’d like. But as soon as  that very well-known bit of music begins, whether it be on the radio, a cover by a band in a bar, or a terrible karaoke rendition, I’m right back in my early 20’s with my two best ladies on each side singing our hearts out and living it up alongside at least a hundred other strangers doing the same exact thing. No care in the world, being invited to sing and shimmy on the bar top, feeling as free as we possibly ever may in our lifetimes.

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Conversations With My Boyfriend

In Funny, Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on December 2, 2013 at 3:47 pm

Children say the darnedest things…

Anyone who is a parent or has small children in their family can attest to this.  Bill Cosby did a whole show dedicated to it.  There’s a very entertaining Twitter feed that has been turned into a book called Preschool Gems full of nothing but the out-loud thoughts of young children.  Even my Facebook news feed is full of status updates from parents recapping hilarious scenarios and conversations with their children of either funny things their kids say or things they have to say to their kids that they would’ve never imagined they would be saying.  I enjoy reading these and made a mental note long ago that, should I become a mother one day, I would keep a running log of all the cute, funny, and often times quite wise musings that I will inevitably bear witness to.

But then I realized I didn’t have to wait.  I have been blessed with the companionship of a very high energy and entertaining person.  While he is 30 years old, he is very youthful in both appearance and demeanor.  His sense of humor is larger than he is himself and with his Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, it is not uncommon to end up in very strange, confusing, and random conversations.  Give him a couple beers, and that scale is multiplied.  I know what you’re probably thinking.  That doesn’t sound like fun.  Where is this going?  What in the hell does this have to do with Bill Cosby or children?

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Singing Heart

Poems by Karem Barratt


Breaking Free From The Past, In Hope For A Bigger & Brighter Future

One Day at a Time

The world is a confusing place, these are just my musings on it.

The Girl

enjoying whatever life has to offer...

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