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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

We’re growing! Now let’s get real, part 6

In Opinion/Personal, Personal on January 6, 2019 at 8:15 pm

Part 1: Morning Sickness

Part 2: Cravings & Aversions

Part 3: Digestion

Part 4: Body Talk

Part 5: Second Puberty

I am an educated woman. I completed a four year degree at a well recognized (while still affordable) university in my area. I’ve honed my skills in my career to continue growing, proving myself, and climbing the ranks at a stable and comfortable pace. I am well read and was raised to be self sufficient. I was taught common sense and problem solving skills from as early as I can remember.

Guess what? None of that matters. Quite early on, and sporadically throughout the pregnancy, all reason goes right out the window.

Welcome to the world of Irrational Fears!

So far, starting around week 6 and occurring randomly ever since, I’ve had he following thoughts:

  • Don’t cough too hard, you might knock it loose.
  • Don’t use your ab muscles very often, you might squeeze it loose.
    What if those aren’t ligament pains and are actually your uterus detaching inside your body?
    What if that wasn’t a kick of the baby rolling over, but a sign something is wrong?

Those are only the main ones I can easily recall, there have been many other brief thoughts and worries. I have googled myself to death looking up every symptom, feeling, and sensation.

Silver lining: I think a touch of paranoia is normal. I’ve learned so much from googling even the most random things – I’ve learned details about the changes to a woman’s body and the development of the baby that no health book ever included. I’ve learned a lot of different scenarios, which can definitely be scary but also helps me feel more prepared in case any of those scenarios occur with me. Also, I am aware that my underlying daily anxiety is definitely playing a role. While concerns are normal, not everyone will experience the level of concern I sometimes do, but my being aware of that affect is enough for me to talk myself through any freak outs.

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We’re Growing! Now let’s get real, Part 3

In Personal on November 18, 2018 at 9:59 am

Part 1: Morning Sickness

Part 2: Cravings & Aversions

So here’s the thing – the ugly honest truth – not being able to eat might not be the worst thing right now, since there’s a 50/50 chance that you won’t be going to the bathroom successfully anyways…

Digestion and…constipation

This was probably the first symptom I had, before I even realized I was pregnant. No test yet, no realization that my period was late, no sickness – just awful, terrible heartburn nonstop that refused to be treated by any method known to man.

Second was the opposite end. It’s not a pretty subject, but I figure I might as well do away with embarrassment and being self-conscious since all my boys and pieces will be poked and prodded endlessly through this pregnancy and delivery. Everything you manage to eat will collect in your gut for days and refuse to digest or pass.

Like, days…

And guess what? A lot of these OTC meds you may have on hand already aren’t recommended for pregnant ladies. So what does the internet offer? “Drink lots of fluids.” Check! I’m constantly thirsty even when not pregnant, but it’s gotten even more extreme. So I increased it even more, and quite possibly came the closest in history to drowning myself internally with the high amounts of urine my body was creating only around every 10 minutes. Still no changes in the bowel department.

“Try a natural solution, like prunes.” Sweet baby Jesus, prunes… I’d almost rather stay constipated than have to force feed myself another one of those things! And it only slightly helped get my guts rolling again.

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We’re growing! Now let’s get real, Part 1.

In Personal on October 23, 2018 at 7:22 pm

The miracle of life!

The wonders of procreation!

The trauma of labor…

Everyone talks about pregnancy. What to do, what not to do, what you can or can not eat or think or look at or talk about or stand near or have within a 25 mile radius. Everyone talks about the joys of parenthood and the love for your child and the glow of expectant moms.

Nobody talks real talk, though. Nobody talks about all those weird, gross, awful days leading up to having your baby in your arms. Nobody preps – and I mean truly preps- other females who have never experienced pregnancy before. So I will.

I am first time (and likely only time) pregnant, hitting in at 10 weeks right now. I have had so many experiences already that I had never heard of before. And while going through them I would mention them to another female, who would then respond with “oh yeah, that happens” or “just wait, that’ll get worse.” How did nobody say these things before?! Why did nobody share?! I’ve decided I will begin a log of all the WTF moments I have through the course of my pregnancy, not only so I can show my kid later in life when they wanna act like mom is being too harsh, but also to give fair warning to other ladies out there.

First, let’s start with an obvious one.

Morning sickness. However, did you know that morning sickness is not just in the morning? It can last all day. Or hit at random times, such as right in the middle of lunch. And it isn’t an “I think I need to vomit, head to the bathroom, get it all out, and go about your business” for some.

Oh no, no.

For others (lucky me), it’s more of an “I think I need to vomit, run to the bathroom – nope, that ones taken, run to the next bathroom, pray nobody else is there or standing close enough to overhear, pace the floor, hover near the toilet, dab your brow, try to self talk your stomach into cooperating, decide it’s safe to leave, return to your desk, try to resume working, shut office door, begin removing layers of clothing to reduce overheating while still dabbing brow/neck/maybe even armpits, sit miserably at your desk dry heaving with no results for 3 hours, suddenly feel its life or death if you don’t eat pizza, start eating pizza, think this was the solution only to get halfway through pizza slice and start heaving again, not be able to finish pizza, dry heave for 3 more hours while still hungry.” And so on until you manage to fall asleep.

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Electronic Drums: A Wife’s Review

In Non-Fiction, Personal on December 29, 2017 at 1:42 am

I married a musician. I was fully aware of this long before the “I do’s”. First it was guitar, then banjo, then electric bass, then upright bass, then back to banjo. Throw in some keyboard occasionally. But then my dear (lucky he’s so cute) husband decides he’s due to truly learn drums. This is fine, I support the arts. Except we live in a 2 bedroom house of small square footage, so even slight noises carry. It’s okay, dear (lucky he’s so cute) husband has a resolution:

Electronic Drums

So he gets them on a pretty amazing deal (kudos) with the promise of headphones and no noise disturbance so my sleep schedule won’t be affected – since I do have to wake up earlier than him on most days and, as is typical, his creative moments tend to hit late at night.

Except even electronic drum play is dependent upon the force with which they are played.

Get electronic drums, they said. It won’t be loud or disturb other areas of your home…

I love my husband.

I support creativity.

I support the arts.

I love my husband.

I’m going to scream if he isn’t done soon.

I love my husband.

I support creativity.

I support the arts.

I love my (soooo lucky he’s so cute) husband. Dammit.

And finally, it’s quiet. And he climbs into bed with (lucky) me.

Nugget #58: The Great Debate

In Cleverness, Funny, Quotes on February 26, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Who are we? A philosophical question many people mull over in their lives. Here’s the absolute un-philosophical attempt to answer between two friends…

1: “We’re yuppies.”
2: “I don’t think you know what that word means.”
1: “Yeah. It means a person who does what they love in life and… does… yuppie stuff.”
2: “No. Yuppies are upper class stuck up people. We are not upper class. We are not really cultured.”
1: “Bikers think cultured people are yuppies.”
2: “We aren’t cultured.”
1: “Then no, I don’t know what yuppie means.”

Conversations With My Boyfriend

In Funny, Opinion/Personal, Personal, Random on December 2, 2013 at 3:47 pm

Children say the darnedest things…

Anyone who is a parent or has small children in their family can attest to this.  Bill Cosby did a whole show dedicated to it.  There’s a very entertaining Twitter feed that has been turned into a book called Preschool Gems full of nothing but the out-loud thoughts of young children.  Even my Facebook news feed is full of status updates from parents recapping hilarious scenarios and conversations with their children of either funny things their kids say or things they have to say to their kids that they would’ve never imagined they would be saying.  I enjoy reading these and made a mental note long ago that, should I become a mother one day, I would keep a running log of all the cute, funny, and often times quite wise musings that I will inevitably bear witness to.

But then I realized I didn’t have to wait.  I have been blessed with the companionship of a very high energy and entertaining person.  While he is 30 years old, he is very youthful in both appearance and demeanor.  His sense of humor is larger than he is himself and with his Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, it is not uncommon to end up in very strange, confusing, and random conversations.  Give him a couple beers, and that scale is multiplied.  I know what you’re probably thinking.  That doesn’t sound like fun.  Where is this going?  What in the hell does this have to do with Bill Cosby or children?

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Nugget #54: A Little Penis Humor In The Morning

In Cleverness, Funny, Pictures/Images on June 12, 2013 at 2:48 pm

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Pinterest Me compared to Real Me

In Random on February 25, 2013 at 6:51 pm

There is no person alive in the world today that doesn’t know about Pinterest.  It’s just not possible.  There are few that know of its existance but choose not to participate.  I was one of them for a short time.  But then I gave in.  I couldn’t help it.  I got sucked in and immediately became one of those mindless Pinteresters, aimlessly scrolling through pins, repinning like mad. Then, as everyone else did or will do at some point, I realized that this was just a fantasy world.  I didn’t have time to somehow hand craft a string of lantern lights out of toilet paper, and if I did I didn’t have anywhere to use them.  But they looked cool, so whatever, right?  I decided to go through my Pinterest boards and see how much of this was actually something I would do or if I was just fooling myself.  Then I decided to share it with all of you, because why not?  I’ve broken it down into different categories: Read the rest of this entry »

How -Not- to Pick Up Chicks, A Guide to Failure

In Funny, Opinion, Opinion/Personal, Random on December 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Bars and clubs are the face-to-face social platform for meeting someone.  Everybody gets dressed to impress, and by this I mean the girls ho-up in an attempt to be the sole focus of every person in the bar they are at.  Inhibitions are low due to alcohol consumption, everybody wants to just have a good time.  I enjoy getting dressed up, going out, dancing, all that jazz, but there’s a line that should not be crossed, ladies.  Shirts should be worn as shirts, not dresses.  Nobody wants to see your commando going ass hanging out the bottom of a baby tee when you aren’t even bending over.  Then they get trashed and sloppy and end up out of half the outfit they walked in wearing.

But everybody knows how girls do when they go out.

Amy Winehouse did a song about it:

Jenna Marbles did a video about it (specifically about white girls, but it could very well apply to any and all):

It’s kind of just an expected thing for girls to be hot messes in the club.  It’s annoying, yes, but there’s something else that seems to be slipping through the cracks of scrutiny lately, and that is guys in the club.  Any adult female can attest to the fact that, on a broad basis, guys trying to pick up girls in the club are generally just  a hot mess in all aspects of life anyways.  They are obviously adults, but are still trying to score quickies from girls who are making foggy minded decisions and still have no idea how to properly engage in communication or truly pick up a woman.  Add in a little loud bass beats, a dash of strobe lights, and a heap of alcohol and this questionable adult turns into a disasterous mess.  I can say without hesitation that I would never see a drunk man in a bar and think to myself, “Oh, there is definitely promise in that one.”So for the entertainment of females everywhere, and what would be useful knowledge to males but I doubt any male that needs to read this would actually take the time to, I have compiled a useful how-to for all the ways to bomb a pick up that I’ve either been subjected to or been able to witness at local clubs in my town.

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Dissociative Me: At Least We All Agree

In Funny, Random on October 10, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I have determined that I have dissociative disorder, but not in a general sense. I don’t have multiple personalities or feel disconnected from reality. Mine occurs in my inner monologue. My brain and its little voice can’t make a damn decision on who it wants to be.

Let me explain. For anyone that watches Glee!, you will be familiar with Becky, the cheerio that has Downs Syndrome, and how her inner monologue voice sounds like the Queen of England. Her explanation is that she can be whoever she wants to be in her own head, so having the brain-voice of an older British lady is quite acceptable. I get that.

But my brain-voice changes. It tends to favor an African-American grandmother or someone from the Wisconsin area. There are others, but they aren’t as prevalent as these two. I don’t know why. That’s just the way it comes off in my head. The real problem is that sometimes, my inner monologue isn’t so…inner. Sometimes, before I even realize it, I am talking out loud to myself. Read the rest of this entry »

The Bumps to Babies

Discussing the joy and woes of pregnancy and being a mom

Singing Heart

Poems by Karem Barratt

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The world is a confusing place, these are just my musings on it.

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