We’re growing! Now let’s get real, Part 1.

The miracle of life!

The wonders of procreation!

The trauma of labor…

Everyone talks about pregnancy. What to do, what not to do, what you can or can not eat or think or look at or talk about or stand near or have within a 25 mile radius. Everyone talks about the joys of parenthood and the love for your child and the glow of expectant moms.

Nobody talks real talk, though. Nobody talks about all those weird, gross, awful days leading up to having your baby in your arms. Nobody preps – and I mean truly preps- other females who have never experienced pregnancy before. So I will.

I am first time (and likely only time) pregnant, hitting in at 10 weeks right now. I have had so many experiences already that I had never heard of before. And while going through them I would mention them to another female, who would then respond with “oh yeah, that happens” or “just wait, that’ll get worse.” How did nobody say these things before?! Why did nobody share?! I’ve decided I will begin a log of all the WTF moments I have through the course of my pregnancy, not only so I can show my kid later in life when they wanna act like mom is being too harsh, but also to give fair warning to other ladies out there.

First, let’s start with an obvious one.

Morning sickness. However, did you know that morning sickness is not just in the morning? It can last all day. Or hit at random times, such as right in the middle of lunch. And it isn’t an “I think I need to vomit, head to the bathroom, get it all out, and go about your business” for some.

Oh no, no.

For others (lucky me), it’s more of an “I think I need to vomit, run to the bathroom – nope, that ones taken, run to the next bathroom, pray nobody else is there or standing close enough to overhear, pace the floor, hover near the toilet, dab your brow, try to self talk your stomach into cooperating, decide it’s safe to leave, return to your desk, try to resume working, shut office door, begin removing layers of clothing to reduce overheating while still dabbing brow/neck/maybe even armpits, sit miserably at your desk dry heaving with no results for 3 hours, suddenly feel its life or death if you don’t eat pizza, start eating pizza, think this was the solution only to get halfway through pizza slice and start heaving again, not be able to finish pizza, dry heave for 3 more hours while still hungry.” And so on until you manage to fall asleep.

Silver lining: morning sickness is due to uber high levels of the very important hormones necessary for getting through the first trimester. It allows baby to start forming, to receive the nutrients to go from 2 cells into a blob of cells into a tadpole into a little gummy bear with stubby arms and legs and only the hint of a little tail.

How are you feeling? Terrible. Great – baby’s right on track!